Oregonian Special Report  
When a baby dies, parents are pitched into a hidden world of loss and isolation. Their struggle to cope, honor their child's memory and find support is examined in this Oregonian special report.

Thoughts On Coping

Honor your feelings. No matter how strong or forgiving or smart or moral you thought you were, you will be surprised at the intensity of your emotions. Shock, anger, fantasizing endlessly about "what if?" and even scary thoughts, like relief at not having the baby and/or desires for revenge, may all generate from your bereaved self.

Honor your tears. There is nothing wrong with crying. Crying helps get the sad and the mad out of you. Crying is like gentle melting. Just when you think you have stopped crying, more memories, thoughts or new facets of your loss bring fresh tears--sometimes at the most awkward moments. Like anything that's been taken without your consent, it takes time to realize all that you've lost. And each discovery brings more pain.

Feeling Guilty is ok. Feeling you have failed your baby, abandoned him or her, or that you are being punished are common. You may have guilt over surviving, or even thriving, when your baby is dead.

Expect yourself to repeat and/or contradict yourself. You may find yourself wanting everyone to know what's happened, or you may find yourself wanting to keep your loss private. If talking helps, then talk. Being involved with people in some way will help your recovery, making you more confident about your ability to go on with your life. The best care you can ask for from friends is not to protect you from the pain, but to support you in going through it. Ask them to "just listen".

Understand that grief takes much longer to resolve than most people realize. Grief is both physical and emotional. Trust your psyche to know how long, and in what way, you need to recover. Consider every task you complete even if it's as simple as getting dressed, a major achievement.

Expect that people may say the "wrong" things. Your friends, relatives and perhaps even medical providers may try to explain away what happened in ways that are scientific, religious or rational. You may hear that "it was meant to be..." or "it's probably better this way...". Be prepared to hear troubling explanations or niceties from some people; know that they are probably trying to soothe you. They may also be trying to protect themselves from powerful feelings. Ask them to "just listen".

A human's a human, no matter how small. Your child deserves a name. We strongly encourage you to give your baby a name, preferably the name you had been planning for ths child all along. Don't "save" the name for the next child. It rightly belongs to this one. Names are important. You will use the name as you tell your other children about this special child in your life. You will find it easier to connect your memories of this child if you can refer to him or her by name. This will help you cope by providing a perspective, an anchor for your feelings.

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The Brown Star Story

Not long ago, astronomers found in the heavens gaseous celestial bodies--clouds of cosmic dust-- which they think have finally answered the mystery of what exists between the small things in the universe, like the planets, and the bigger things, like the sun.  They call this cosmic dust "brown dwarfs" or "pre-stars", because although brown dwarfs have all the elements to become stars, for some reason they never did.

All stars go on to live full lives, from their hot, bright white dwarf stage to their aged cooler and dimmer red giant sage.  But "brown stars" only go so far. Instead of being born to live a normal star's life, they remain cool and dim, hiding in the heavens, sprinkled in clusters among the other stars 150 light years from Earth.

But, like our babies, their roles in the universe are very important.  In fact, scientists believe they serve as a link between the small things and the big things, holding the universe together: a mid-point between the beginning and ending of our universal story.

As we grieve for our babies who died before reaching stardom of their earthly lives, perhaps we can find comfort in the possibility that they were designated for this very special universal role.  Energized by our love, they are guardians of our memories of what was and our dreams of what some day may be.

As we look to the heavens, seeking answers, we send messages of love to our "brown star" babies.

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One of the greatest lessons that I have learned from the Brief Encounters community is the importance of acknowledging feelings of loss.  A valuable way to recognize your loss and to help others to understand the depth of your feelings is to send announcements, letters, or stories to friends and family members.  Creatively forming your own announcements may help fill a void while allowing you to spend time paying tribute to your child in a very special way.  Here are some examples of love letters that parents have written to others, letting them know that they are willing to talk about the loss and inviting others to share in their grief.

Madeline L. sent this announcement, along with a short letter describing the announcement, when she was anticipating the due date of her baby girl.

Like a shooting star
passing through the night sky,
our first baby passed quickly through our lives
taking with her a lifetime of hopes
and dreams we had for her.

But she has left footprints on our hearts
and brought clarity to our lives.

Energized by our love,
she is guardian of our memories of what was
and our dreams of what someday may be.

 
On another card, Madeline included her baby's ultrasound picture and the date of her birth and death along with the date she was once joyfully expected.

Editor's Note: The last sentence of the above announcement is borrowed from
the, Brown Star Story, by Kim Steffgen.

It may be helpful to include a letter with the announcement of your baby's death to explain your purpose in sending it.  When my husband and I were approaching the due date of our son, we sent the following letter to friends and family members and enclosed an announcement with our baby's name, his due date, his birth and death date, and his footprints.

  As you know, the baby that we were expecting this month passed through our lives quickly.  Even so, he touched us very deeply.  Because you shared in our excitement while we were expecting him and because you shared in our sorrow when we learned that he would not live, we want to share a small remembrance of him with you.
 We do not intend to make you uncomfortable by sharing this small memorial.  It is a way for us to acknowledge how very real our baby was
and it is a way for us to say good-bye.
 Thank you so much for offering support throughout the past four months.  Please help us as we continue to miss our baby and as we try to maintain hope for the future.

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