parent submission:

My Story of Early Pregnancy Loss

By Anonymous: A Brief Encounters Parent

I've wanted to be a Mom for as long as I can remember. I was raised as an only child and I longed for a larger family. I began dating my future husband when I was 15 years old, he was 16. We fell in love right away and we spent so much time together. When I went away for college I wrote a letter to him everyday. This was pre-internet and phone calls were too expensive. I was offered a job with his family business the following Summer. I stayed in town and went to college locally. We were married after dating for 6 years. We both wanted a family. We bought a van, a house and began trying to build our family. For 2 years we tried to get pregnant without any success. We sought help from my gynecologist and after lots of testing it was discovered that I had endometriosis. I had the surgery and took birth control pills for a year so my body could heal. We took many pregnancy tests once we were cleared to try again. One December before the company Christmas party the pregnancy test was positive. We were so overjoyed and we shared the exciting news with our friends and family. We went to our doctor's appointments, took tests and listened to her heartbeat. On March 17th we got the news that a blood test came back with the devastating news that our baby wasn't healthy. When the doctor listened for a heartbeat, there wasn't one. We went to another part of the hospital to have a an ultrasound. I saw my baby in the ultrasound. No heartbeat. I can still see her beautiful profile in my mind. The doctor scheduled a D&C and sent us home to return the following day. We were very sad. My birthday was a few weeks later and I didn't want anything. We sold our van and bought a sports car. Two months later we were pregnant again. We went to the beach to celebrate our 6th wedding Anniversary and I began to hemorrhage. We drove home in the middle of the night and went directly to the hospital. Our second child was no longer alive. No heartbeat. My husband couldn't handle the losses and he needed to be hospitalized. He was diagnosed with Manic depression and Schizophrenia. He remained in the hospital for 3 days. He was never the same person. I was expected to do my job, his job, make sure that he took his medications, and keep the family business afloat. There was no time for me to grieve. I was ignored and dismissed. I've tried over the years to process my loss and grief. Some days are easier than others for sure. I think of my babies. I have worked to be present and in the moment. I am curious as to what I have learned and how my experiences can help other people who have had similar losses.